Again in 2017, credit standing company Equifax suffered what these within the information safety enterprise name a “catastrophic fuckup” affecting within the neighborhood of 150 million People, all of whom are actually eligible for, on common, $125—and as much as $20,000 in very particular cases—in damages.
There are essential inquiries to be requested and answered on account of this huge breach. Do we’d like higher cybersecurity legal guidelines? Does it make any kind of sense to be utilizing Social Safety numbers as a type of ID? Why are we nonetheless counting on credit standing companies like Equifax in any respect? Is paying solely $125 per particular person an absolute embarrassment for thus completely dropping the ball?
[Reply key: Sure; No; Doing new stuff is difficult; Completely]
However then we come to essentially the most essential query of all. For the reason that human mind is vulnerable to short-term pondering and rapid pleasure-seeking and assuming a fully huge variety of this breach’s victims declare their payouts: What dumb crap are you going to purchase together with your shock cash?
One among my editors advised shopping for a brand new exhaust for his bike—which I’ve to confess is a cool-guy transfer for those who too possess a motorbike. (I don’t, and am additionally deeply uncool.) “u might pay the cowboy from rdr2 to say ‘fuck equifax’ twice,” one other editor famous, linking to the Cameo web page for voice actor Roger Clark.
I’ve already painted myself right into a nook by telling my colleagues that if the verify comes earlier than the Vermont State Honest subsequent month, I’m dropping all $125 on maple confections and maple-related paraphernalia. In that occasion, I’ll present updates through a weblog entitled “My Life With out Tooth.”
Admittedly, there are uninteresting, corridor monitor-y issues you can do with this sudden windfall, like donate it to a political marketing campaign of your selecting. However listed here are some extra enjoyable choices to momentarily overlook how weak most of your private data is:
- An especially bizarre acrylic portray of Batman and Robin, allegedly made by “Former WWE/WCW/TNA Head Author/Producer/Expertise Vince Russo”
- Two cans of authentic recipe 4 Loko
- 5 swords
- An whole kitten
- A 40-note panflute
- Twelve copies of Robocop , or 31 copies of Robocop 
- An “anti-radiation masks […] product of silver fiber” that “is just like the existence of the isolation frost” and may “forestall pc macular.” (????)
- This very previous Magic: The Gathering card fittingly referred to as Blaze of Glory, which, I’ll be sincere, doesn’t appear superb
- A VIP tour of Chicago that features “a crowd-free morning overlooking metropolis landmarks from glass-enclosed balconies” from the 103rd flooring of the Willis Tower
- A complete cake that’s made to resemble an enormous ol’ cheeseburger
- Actually, simply wager all of it on the horses
- A decade-long registration on the web area equifaxistrash.com
Inform us beneath what you intend to blow these funds on, the stupider the higher.